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Viagra comes out in liquid form
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Peter O'toole, spokesman for Pfizer, told reporters at a news conference about the breakthrough. "Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink', Mr. O'toole said. "Our partnership with Pepsi will enable us to distribute this over the counter, making it available more widely than the prescription business model has done." Pfizer executives hope this new product will lift up sagging sales of Viagra. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of MOUNT & DO. Greek Eyesore to be Removed
Mayor Dora Bakoyannis has pledged to lead the program, which includes cleaning all of the rubble from the Acropolis, and building a modern community anchored by a retail center. "We have declared the Acropolis a 'blighted area' and that means we get immediate funding and can go forward with cleaning the community up," said a source on the city council staff. "There are already firm commitments from retailers to build on the new site. Starbucks has already deposited funds to help with cleanup, and the musician Yanni has signed a contract to reserve space for a music studio and school." Critics have protested the plan, saying that the Acropolis lends a valuable cultural resource to the area. "That is absolute nonsense," Mayor Bakoyannis said. "The area is blighted and we can extract very little value from it in its present condition. The business model we have developed maximizes the value of the property. These people must let go of the past and move on." Casting starts for "Little House" movie
Dubbed Little House on the Prairie: The Prophetic Years, the film is under tight security as a cast is assembled and sets are being built. A StaggerOn correspondent was able to obtain some photos and a rough outline of the story. "Pa Ingalls shelters a small band of Mormons in a winter storm, and is converted to Mormonism," said an unnamed source. "I have seen the second draft of the script, and while I do not want to disclose too much, I can say that the film explores the psychosocial dimensions as Pa obtains wives from a nearby town, how the sister wives relate to each other, and how it sets up conflict with his children born previous to his foray into the Mormon lifestyle." Critics of the proposed film were not so kind. Trudy Goodshoes, of the People for a Perfect World said that the project should be shelved before it even starts. "This film will merely glorify and put a good face on a marital arrangement that subjects women and girls to a high potential for abuse," Ms. Goodshoes said. "Ms. Wilder was an advocate for women's rights, and I know she would be shocked and outraged if she knew her name was associated with a travesty such as this." African Nation Repossessed by Citibank
President Hakuna Matata spoke from his estate about the difficult conditions in his tiny nation. "The bank, they tricked us and took advantage of such honest peoples we are," Matata said as he spoke to reporters on his private golf course. "We are a poor nation and for them to take away what little we had is an abomination." As President Matata spoke, Citibank has dispatched private contractors from the Ravenwood security firm to dismantle and repossess assets in Machaca. Ravenwood personnel were seen removing solar panels and building materials from schools and hospitals in the countryside. International Monetary Fund analysts said that this nation, with a per capita income of under $120, was the first one on record of having debts that exceeded total national assets. Since Citibank holds all of the notes, then it can rightfully foreclose on a debtor that is in default. The funds were supposed to develop infrastructure so that the nation would have economic viability, but most of them were deposited in holding accounts and slowly vanished without leaving a trail of how they were spent, With the entire nation put up as collateral, Citibank now owns it, and is responsible for running it. "Our partnership with Ravenwood will be valuable in managing the entire nation of Machaca," said a Citibank source. "Their experience with pacifying regions in Iraq has given them a workable model for managing Machaca." Shortly after Citibank took possession of Machaca, President Matata fled to his 13,000 acre estate in Paraguay, where he has been hunting ducks on his private game reserve. Clinton Announces Stimulus Package
Details of the plan have not been entirely released, although a preliminary outline has been discussed in focus groups. "I have listened to the people of America," Mrs. Clinton said, "and I have heard about your struggles and hardships, and I plan to do something about it." The general outline of the plan is for a stimulus package to be sent to most American households. This includes all households below $150,000 in income, which will literally see a package delivered to their door with the stimulus inside. Households with higher income may not receive a package, although it is not clear what the cutoff income will be. Mrs. Clinton suggested that not all Americans will receive a stimulus package. "People with higher incomes have plenty of resources," Clinton said, "and they will just have to stimulate themselves." Government issues warning about gum The government issued a warning about swallowing chewing gum today, after several hundred citizens were treated for the effects of swallowed gum in recent weeks. Health and Human Services spokeshole Marina Chicle issued this statements in a press conference: "We are aware of the problem with chewing gum lodging in the digestive tract and trapping digestive material and gasses. While this has not ever proven fatal, it has been a source of discomfort and embarrassment for its unfortunate victims. We have developed a treatment involving vigorous exercise that can remedy the suffering caused by this, but our first and foremost line of defense is to warn all citizens to not swallow their chewing gum. Last week a woman in El Paso had eaten a breakfast burrito after chewing and swallowing gum the night before. She attended church and while listening to the sermon was struck with flatulence. When combined with the gum that had passed through her digestive tract, she was trapped in place for 45 minutes before being freed. A witness reported that it was not necessary to call emergency services, "It took a while but the Rector was able to dislodge her from her pew." 
Bush signs mortgage relief bill
"I want you to know that this administration understands the struggle people is making to pay for their homes," the president said in a signing ceremony. The new law takes effect at the beginning of the year and has provisions for people who have been put into financial stress by a large jump in their payments caused by an increase in interest rates. Under the new law interest rates may only move upward by less than three percentage points per year, with a cap on increased payments at a 33% increase. Many mortgage payments have nearly doubled in the last year. Not every distressed homeowner will be eligible for the protection of this law. "In order for us to protect you, you must have kept current with your payments and not fallen behind," the president explained. "You must file a monthly budget with the federal housing agency, and your last name must end with a 'Z'" Jehovah's Witnesses upgrade for the 21st Century
The Watchtower Society has just unveiled its new weapon in the War on Apostates' The "Jehovahnator" made its debut at the organization's corporate headquarters in Brooklyn, New York. "Coming into this last span of time before Armageddon, we need to step up our outreach to the public," said governing board member Aleister C. Russell. "By automating our field operations we have a tremendous multiplier for our efforts to bring people in to the New System." The Jehovahnator will do precisely that. It will perform the normal door-to-door ministry that the organization is famous for, with a modern update. It carries an "e-briefcase" that prints needed literature on demand. Through wireless connectivity, the literature is constantly updated in real time with the newest changes in doctrine. "We will never disseminate old doctrine again," said Russell. Nobel Peace Prize awarded to Nancy Leider
"We were unanimous in our selection of Ms. Leider for this prize;" said one member of the selection panel. "She has saved the population of the Earth from inestimable harm." Nancy Leider operates the Zetatalk and Troubled Times web sites, and has tirelessly warned the public of impending disasters, such as the narrowly missed Planet X flyby. "That a middle aged woman with a high school degree, who does not even know which end of a telescope to look into, could pinpoint the RA and Dec of the brown dwarf, Planet X, is astonishing, and speaks to the validity of ZetaTalk," said Ms. Leider's spokeswoman Carlotta Hazelwood. "The world owes her such an enormous debt of gratitude, and a Nobel Peace prize is a good place to start." New Canadian Currency: Thwarting Islamic Terror
The Canadian treasury has released a newly designed currency in the effort to fight global tarrorism. Many terrorist organizations have had their finances frozen, which has caused them to resort to counterfeiting in order to obtain funding. The Canadian treasury has decided to redesign their currency to prevent the radical Islamists from even touching it. "We consulted several experts on radical Islamic beliefs and found that by printing forbidden images on our currency it will assure that these people will not handle it or have anything to do with it," said treasury spokesman Mustafa Al Sadr. "These troublemakers will have to find some other currency, perhaps the American Dollar which is becoming more worthless each day, to exploit for their agenda." It is also hoped that this will have a positive effect on tourism. Mars Rover relays stunning new pictures
The rover crested a small hill, and on the other side made a discovery of native Martians engaged in a tribal ritual or ceremony.. "This is totally unexpected, and we were not fully prepared for what we have found," said NASA spokewoman Charlene Darwin. "This is primarily a geology mission, so we were mostly looking at rocks. However, the Pancam is versatile enough to take in the whole landscape and whatever we may find," Darwin explained. The Pancan is the high resolution color camera used to take most of the landscape photographs. The newest photograph shows humanoid beings together in a kind of dance, centered on a larger humanoid figure. Anthropologists are trying to determine if it is some sort of worship, ritual or festivity. Richard Hoagland, a proponent of Martian civilization theories has released a statement in which he feels vindicated for his controversial theories. "I have been trying to instill this idea in the public, that we are not alone in this solar system, " said Hoagland. "We have never been alone, and the hyperdimensional implications of this and what is just around the corner in our future is staggering." Wal-Mart to Chip Employee Brains
Associate Relations director Myrna Turtletaub defended this practice when asked about it at a press conference. "There are many benefits for both the associate and Wal-Mart," said Turtletaub. "Associates are spared time consuming and sometimes frustrating training sessions because we can now quickly download any training, instructions and attitudes they need to function as a happy and productive associate," Turtletaub explained. "We also totally eliminate the problem of associates who waste time and productivity by loafing or making personal phone calls while on the clock. Inventory shrinkage is also now a thing of the past. An added benefit is that we can track the location of associates and summon them to parts of the store where there is the most need at any particular moment." The brain chip is voluntary. Associates who volunteer are given a weekly bonus from the increased earnings. Associates who decline the chip are deemed to be less productive and their hours are cut back to 10 or fewer per week. Bush Nominates new Surgeon General
Dr. Ichabod Trask of Stumpwater, Georgia has been names as the newest nominee for the chief medical officer in the US. Dr. Trask has nearly 50 years experience practicing medicine in rural Georgia, and has pioneered several medical practices. " The Doctor has really been innovative, " said Martha Gilley, of Cornpone Hollow. "He was the first doctor in this area to treat warts with leeches, instead of chicken manure salve like the other doctors use." Despite his accolades, Dr. Trask is not without controversy. "This doctor is an abomination," said Nancy Pulliam, of the National Organization for Women. "He has favored not allowing unmarried women to have birth control, citing religious reasons for the ban." If Dr. Trask makes it through the tough Senate grilling to assume the position, he plans to close his long time business on route 23, Trask's General Practice, Veterinary Services and Fireworks Stand. Apple introduces new vacuum cleaner
The iSuck will go on sale in two weeks. Alden Castenberry, Apple vice president of product development, said that the iSuck is an innovative way to clean a living space. "This is no ordinary vacuum," Castenberry said. "It has programming for cleaning different floor textures. It also has an innovative extensible hose that can reach around in 3-D and adapt to clean anything it can reach." The iSuck also has unique styling that Apple is known for, and resonates with the public. "I think it's cute," said four-year old Lindsay Broadnax. Albert Gore III claims: Preparing for movie role
"I was preparing for a movie role," Mr. Gore said. Gore claimed that he was in talks with a movie studio to star in a biopic about Ed Begley, Jr., and that while practicing the role things got out of hand. "I was like, you know, happy when my dad became a movie star, and like, it must be in the family blood you know. Gore said. Gore was unable to provide details about which studio or production company was hiring him for the project, now would he tell the name of his agent. "They told me to keep it a secret, you know, so like, other studios won't steal the isea." Fox reality show: Who wants an organ transplant?
The program, with the working title "Who Wants an Organ Transplant?", will feature a terminally ill woman who will select from 9 contestants with matching tissue types to determine who gets her organs to save their life. Losing contestants may succumb to their illnesses without winning the organs. This has critics upset with their attempt to get ratings. "Not so fast," says Tim Cobb, of the Quality Signal Programming Association, "Fox has a history of putting sensational so-called reality shows on and rejecting well written quality programs that people love to watch." Cobb is not the only critic. Joss Reynolds, of Ethical Medicine Working Group, blasted the idea. "It goes way beyond crass", Reynolds said. "The idea of pitting these people against each other to win the favor of the donor, with the expectations that the losers will have to crawl off somewhere and die is a new low, even for Fox." US Navy releases Al Qaeda Terrorist
In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody. He was then given a speedy sendoff by the crew of the Enterprise, which was documented by a photographer at the scene. The photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy. Firefox displays new logo
The Mozilla Project has just updated their logo along with the release of the newest version of their Firefox browser. All future versions of the browser will feature the new logo. Senior Citizens Moving to Mexico, Coming Back as Illegals for Benefits
Seniors such as Ron (not his real name) have fallen through the cracks of the Medicare system and other retirement programs, and have desperately tried to find a solution. This has led them in a journey across the southern US border. "We couldn't make ends meet," Ron said, "we were cutting corners and trimming back our expenses as much as we could." "The last straw was when we could not get Medicare Part D. We didn't know what we were going to do. But then we realized there were millions of people who had figured out how to survive in America and were doing quite well. We dicided to do what they were doing. My wife and I moved across the border for a week, then crossed back in as illegal aliens. We bought fake identification, and it cost less than $200. Now we get everything we need, no questions asked." There is a positive side to his sojourn in Mexico, Ron tells us. "There is the best fish tacos in the world," he says, "in Ojos Negros, at a roadside taco stand. Just perfect!" Electronic Childs Toy Creates Panic
An electronic childs toy from the 1980's known as the Speak and Spell was the cause of panic and pandemonium in Boston, MA, Portland, OR, Stockton, CA, and Peoria, IL. "We got a report of a suspected bomb attached to a bridge," said Haskell Owens of the Peopia SWAT team. "When we got on the location it was there and our robot got in close to it. It was speaking 'Death to America'and 'Allah is great'." "We blew it up," Mr. Owens reported. Another Speak and Spell, pictured here at the base of Portland's Fremont Bridge, was also reported to be speaking anti American and pro Islamist phrases.
New Fuel Source Developed
The fuel is is produced by using a specially developed technique to extract it. Proprietary Organic Osmosis Technology (POOT) gas can be compressed, stored and easily transported to where it is needed. While any organic matter can be used as feed stock, some materials are optimal for producing higher yields. "We are very excited when we saw the results obtained from using certain legumes", noted one of the inventors of the process. American officials are very excited about POOT gas. "We plan on acquiring the technology to produce POOT gas in our next round of agreements with Mexican officials", said an administration source. "This could be another step along the way to our goal towards energy independence." Havana, Cuba - The Deputy Foreign Minister of Cuba recently announced that President Fidel Castro is in great health and ready to lead the island nation. "Our Leader of the Revolution is in excellent health, and will be stepping up to his rightful place of leadership any day now", said Deputy Foreign Minister Ernesto Flaco. "He has been active in his favorite pastimes, including baseball and horseback riding", Flaco said. Cuban experts in the Bush administration expressed doubt about Castro's health, however Flaco's claims seem to be confirmed in these photographs provided by Reuters News Agency photographer Adnan Hajj.
Bush Supports Faith Based Groups
His visit, pictured here, to the Assemblies of Yahweh compound was a backdrop for his announcing support for faith based organizations that wished to mitigate social issues. "I was very impressed by these folks," Mr. Bush said. "They are wondeful people who were very nice to me and showed how they can be in partnership with, uhhh, they are really on fire for the Lord." Mr. Bush also expressed a desire to work more closely with these groups on the federal level. "My administration will work closely with these folks. We support the same goals and ideas. By the way, ideas are good things to have," Bush said. Barbra Streisand Ejected from Movie Theater
The incident occured at the Landmark Theatre La Jolla Village Cinema in La Jolla, a community north of San Diego. Ms. Streisand was seen by an usher to remove a flapjack from the inside of her blouse and start chewing on it. She is seen in this photo being escorted out with the flapjacks still hidden in her blouse. "It is definitely a policy of our theater chain that patrons do not take in food from outside, and when they do we ask them to leave," said Mindi Frye, a manager at the theater. "Nearly 30% of our income comes from concession stand sales, and it would hurt our business model if we allowed outside food to be brought in." Ms. Streisand was reportedly attending a screening of The Departed. Bin Laden found - at Burning Man!
"This is proposterous", fumed representative Nancy Pelosi. (D-CA) "We have spent billions of dollars in pursuit of this man, and here he is literally in our backyards." Bin Laden was initialy sighted by a Burning Man participant, known as a burner, at the Brazen Goddess theme camp. "It was early evening, and he had a couple glow sticks poking out of his turban, like devil horns", reported Moloch Tessarect, a festival participant. "I wasn't sure it was him at first, but a few of his number two guys were there with him and sure enough it was him." "I went to the Black Rock Rangers to get him, and they are like, you know 'we will get one of our volunteers to get him' but they never showed up." Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff vowed, "We are going to get this guy. There might be thousands of places in that vast desert he might hide, but we will get him." Exxon Mobile to outsource CEO position
"We have outsourced many positions in the past and find it to be an effective way to contain costs", said an unnamed company source. "It will be the next wave in companies that want to streamline their expenses, so outsource executive positions. And believe me, executives have a tradition of being very expensive. But no longer." The new CEO, Rutajit Srinivasan, resides in a village near Bangalore, India. Mr. Srinivasan has held positions in Indian energy and telecommunications industries. A dedicated digital line has been installed to the village and will be used for teleconferencing and virtual meeting. It is estimated that annual expenses for maintaining this CEO will be $37,000. This is a substantial savings from the $400 million it costs to maintain the previous CEO. Newest Interstate sign presented at press conference
In an effort to establish the Bush legacy and show his meaningful impact on the American motorist, Ms. Cino has unveiled a new interstate highway sign at a press conference in Peoria. "We are proud of what our President has done to ease crowding on American highways", said Ms. Cino. "Many motorists can not afford fuel any longer and are no longer clogging our highways. Now we have decreased pressure to spend on new construction, while still maintaining high revenues." The Transportation Department is in Peoria all week negotiating deals with Ukranian, Polish and Yemeni firms to sell them American highway infrastructure. This Illinois city is famous for the interstate highways that pass through the area, which were mistakenly built with the concrete slabs upside down. Pluto ejected from Solar System
"We will attach boosters onto the mass formerly known as a planet, and send it on a trajectory out of the Solar System, most likely to the Hades Cluster", announced Andy Tombaugh of NASA. "Our view is that if Pluto does not have what it takes to be a planet, it does not deserve to be one of our neighbors", Mr. Tombaugh said. The question remains, will the U.S. shoulder the cost of this project alone? So far, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has been unable to secure commitment from other nations for helping to fund the estimated $113 billion project. New Airport Security Measures in U.S.
"We will spare no effort or expense to enforce compliance with our new guidelines, which will ensure a safer, better world", Chertoff said. The new procedures were implemented at 4 am. local time under the watchful eyes of armed guards. Passengers were directed to line up, and were then led to a secure area where they were ordered to disrobe. After they were all disrobed, a security detail moved about the crowd shaving off their hair and injecting the new "SafePass" microchip into each passenger. The chip insures that the passenger has been screened and determined to be harmless to society, and is therefore free to travel. Other measures included the confiscation of all liquids, gels and pastes. Passengers were permitted to put these items in checked baggage, but forbidden from carry on baggage, which must now all be in clear containers. "I feel safer already", said passenger Bonnie Sue McGillicuddy as she put her clothing back on. "I am so glad that our Leader is taking such a strong stand against those bad terrorists so that we can feel safe once again."
"The world is in a greater danger now than ever before", Mr. Gore said, "and the time for us to take action is drawing short". "Any time between now and the year 2012 the earth will shift on its axis, causing massive flooding, worldwide suffering and death." Mr. Gore also urged action on the part of his audiences, including massive migration of humans from one continent to another to shift the load on the earth and bring it back into balance. "This truth might be inconvenient, but future generations are counting on us to take action now", he insisted, "and much better to relocate your home now than for your children and grandchildren to lose theirs in the future". Mr. Gore has also been promoting his newest book, Earth Coming Unbalanced. Canadians call for increased border patrols
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free- range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?" In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk." Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though." When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said. Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?" In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. " We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out," he said. New currency to replace Dollar Mexico City - In the North American capital it was announced that the United States Dollar would be retired from circulation and replaced with a new currency, dubbed the "Amero". Pictured below, the currency will be phased in over time, much as the Euro was, with a cutoff date for its full implementation in 2010. "There is no need to be alarmed," a treasury source said. "If you find some dollars in the mattress after that date you can still exchange them for Ameros at a fair market rate. You just won't be able to spend them on the open market."
Brokeback Mountain 2 in production
Brokeback Mountain 2: The Fur Traders is currently in production at an undisclosed location. "We have a great script that shows as much sensitivity to the subject matter as seen in the first movie," Lee said. "We also were able to get top quality talent to star in this production. The studio called me on the carpet for the salary expenses, but when they saw the line up of talent and what we were setting out to do with this story, they signed off on everything we had in mind." Starring in this second installment of the Brokeback series, Jessica Alba is a young woman from the wrong side of the tracks who is introduced to the great outdoors by a more seasoned Halle Berry. The story follows their relationship, and the relationships of three other couples who work in the mountains, mostly trapping beaver and catching fish. Although not confirmed at this time, there are reports that Rosie O'Donnell is underwriting filming costs and taking a hands on approach to producing the film. San Diego Padre Player infected with rare skin condition
Richard "Rocky" Acosta, has a skin malady that causes him to sprout hair all over his body during a full moon. Sources inside the Padre organization say that Acosta contacted the disease during a trip to the infamous "Zona Rosa" in Tijuana. "Poor dude, he just went down there to T.J. for a fun weekend, and now he gets struck with this," an anonymous teammate said. "He's going to keep playing for the team though. We don't have many games scheduled during a full moon, but even if we did he could still play. Rocky can really fetch a ball when this thing takes over him." Padre team management refused to comment on Acosta's condition, and did not return calls or emails. Riots break out in USA as Bush cartoon is released "We are deeply offended at this assault on our leader and the American way of life," an apoplectic Bill O'Reilly said on his Fox television show. "How dare StaggerOn.org publish this affront to a great man." "We know where their offices are, and we can make life very uncomfortable for the vile men who did this," O'Reilly continued, "they have no place to hide." In Peoria Illinois, people took to the streets. Several businesses on Sheridan Road were burned and angry citizens overturned automobiles. Outraged residents gathered StaggerOn.org t-shirts and gear to burn on a bonfire. "They just have no respect for us and our national symbols," complained Wilber Cornfed, a local wardman. "First they insult our faith and our national leaders, where does it end?" StaggerOn.org editors responded quickly. "We do not back down to anyone, ever. End of discussion." National Gaurd troops were deployed in several states, mostly in the midwest and south. The violence is expected to die down by the end of the week, and a spring sale at WalMart is likely to soothe tensions further. Bush cedes California to Mexico "This is groundbreaking history, by the way," Bush said. "It is the first time that we, uh, you know we are doing good by our neighbors to the south." History professor Howard Zinn confirmed the historical precedent. "It is the first time that the United States ever willingly let a state be removed from the federal union," Zinn said.
Co-president Dick Cheney was even more excited. "We are now freed from the task of defending California. It is Mexico's problem now to defend its new territory. Those bastards are a blue state anyway, they have it coming. Now we can focus more of our assets on the global war on terror, and mop up the last enemies in the war on drugs," Cheney said. Area students were also excited about this new development. Schools were closed as students held rallies celebrating the reconquest of California by proudly flying the Mexican flag. Hillary Clinton flashes crowds at Mardi Gras "She came out on the balcony, stood there watching the crowds and waved a few times," said Marcie Gower, of Topeka, Kansas. But before long Ms. Clinton was in full party mode. According to Chuck Aspen, a waiter at a local eatery, "I was watching a few people on the balcony at the corner near here." "There was a crowd forming and I thought it was another chick ready to flash so I looked closely. Then I realized 'My God, that's Hillary Clinton'." It didn't take long for the crowd to get a big payoff. "The crowd was chanting 'Show your tits, show your tits!' to Hillary", said Shannon Faulkner, who did not disclose her hometown. "Next thing I saw, she lifted her coat and flashed those flesh puppies!" Osama bin Laden sends Bush a personal note
"Bush did get a personal letter from bin Laden. It arrived in an unmarked envelope and only contained a single line coded message: '370HSSV-0773H'." Several agencies, including the NSA, FBI, CIA, and top military specialists spent considerable effort trying to decode the message without success. Eventually a low level intern at the Pentagon suggested they turn to the British MI-6, who have many more years of experience in the Middle-East. Within only a few minutes, the MI-6 cabled the White House with the message, "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down" If "Deadeye Dick" Cheney were a Democrat Timeline of events after shooting incident
February 2006: Dick Cheney shoots Austin attorney Harry Whittington in a hunting accident. He keeps the incident hushed up. They continue to hunt together for several months. July 2006: Cheney arranges for Whittington to get a job at the Pentagon. November 2007: A White House staffer, Melinda Trapp, notices someone staggering out of a meeting room used by Cheney, with apparent gunshot wounds. March 2008: Whittington gets a subpoena to testify in a case where Cheney is alleged to have shot someone in 2002. April 2008: The story of the shooting breaks on internet sleaze rag StaggerOn.org and is picked up by all other media in a feeding frenzy. As the scandal erupts, Cheney denies the incident. The story builds momentum and Cheney repeats his denial on national television. Wagging his finger at the public, he insists, "I did not shoot that lawyer......Mr. Whittington." May 2008: Lynne Cheney cries on television, insists that a "vast right-wing conspiracy" is behind the charges against her husband. A Portland, Oregon man alleges he hunted with Whittington for five-years, and his lawyer promises to turn over documents and items to investigators. Summer 2008: The story continues with investigations, charges, counter charges and lots of press blather. November 2008: Cheney wins presidential election. December 2008: FBI tests Whittington's jacket, finds gunpowder residue from Cheney's weapon. Cheney testifies before a grand jury, and on national television admits to the public that he engaged in "inappropriate gun play" while hunting with Mr. Whittington. Bush Stamp Unveiled
Osama bin Laden to start Book of Month club
"I have always been a strong supporter of literacy, especially Koran reading", bin Laden said. "Now I can recommend specific titles that I find meaningful." His first book recommendation is "Rogue State: A Guide to the World's Only Superpower", by William Blum and published in 2000. Asked about books to be listed in future months, bin Laden replied, "Anything by Michael Moore, in fact next month we will pick "Stupid White Men" which is my favorite title by him." "Further recommendations will include several Noam Chomsky titles, but most importantly, keep diligently reading the Koran." Bush brain tapped to jump start Sharon brain
"Their brainwaves are remarkably similar", said doctor Yuval Peretz of Tel Aviv hospital. "We can hook them up and amplify the Bush EEG, thus boosting the Sharon brain into a start position." But not all medical specialist contacted agreed with this prognosis. "You are looking at the possibility of just the opposite happening", doctor Shaul Putz of Hadassah University Hospital. "The procedure could lead to a backflow, pulling Bush's brain into the same state that Sharon is experiencing." This option, should it occur, is known as the dual state solution. Ann Coulter's mysterious origins One mystery that has had us baffled for quite a while concerns the origins of Ann Coulter. Sure, she has an official bio and backstory, but the problem is that we can find no one to come forward and admit something like, "Oh yeah, we went to law school together and she was a very intense scholarly girl back then", or any such account. We got nothing. Taking a different approach, we did some deep research and came across something that shows some promise. Back in 1943, the so called Golden Age of comics, there was a superhero called Liberty Belle. During that era America was fully engaged in the second global war, and many comic book characters of the time had a patriotic theme. Ms. Belle never rated her own comic, but appeared in Star Spangled comics for 49 consecutive stories. This was a run that lasted until 1947. Now we got to thinking, what if someone like Liberty Belle was lifted off the pages and brought to life, to kick ass in the crazed ferret manner that Ms. Coulter is (in)famous for? The profile fits, tighter than a Separated at Birth. It could well be much more than a coincidence that those two are like psycho-twins unleashed on the world to wreak havoc on their enemies.
Cheney suffers 117th heart attack, in recovery
"He just wheezed, gurgled and just sorta fell over", an unnamed source said. Cheney was immediately rushed to a facility staffed with "people who can make him go", the source reported. The White House did confirm the heart attack, and Cheney's treatment. "He is in full recovery", a junior staffer told us. "In the name of efficiency, he is also using this service call to get scheduled hip socket replacements and an artificial spleen. We expect him to be online...uhhh...I mean back on duty in a very short amount of time." Male brothel opens to service women
"Traditional brothels and escort services have offered what men want, which is an attractive woman to have sexual relations with them", said Marcy Park, owner of the What Womyn Want brothel. "American women want attractive men too. But instead of wanting to have sex with them, they want to berate a man in public and in front of their friends and family. They want to chip away at his self esteem. And in America, this is all perfectly legal, so our escorts offer this service openly." The business offers incall, and its very popular outcall service. "We have the finest quality men, great specimens of physical and mental primacy," Ms Park says. "Our clients feel that to tear a man's self worth down to nothing is a greater challenge if he has a lot of value to start with. These men do outcalls, and that gives our clients an opportunity to berate and humiliate a decent man in a public setting that is becoming less and less available as American men turn away from having such relationships with American women." Karl Rove relocated to office building far from White House
"The President thought that the quality of my work would better serve him if I had a change of scenery", Mr. Rove is reported to have said. President Bush even assigned key White House staff to assist Rove in the transition. "Yes, he is a loyal buddy, always looking for little ways to help those who have served him", Rove said. Rove refuted claims that this was some kind of a demotion. "We have been kicking this idea around for some time, that I find an opportunity to get a new perspective on my service to the President." Harriet tells of drinking bouts, spin the bottle, "monkey love"
"The President and I have known each other well for a long period of time", Ms. Miers reported, "and over the years he have a history of time shared together and close loyalty." "When you work that closely with someone for such a long time, your relationship builds and grows. I would not say we have a traditional relationship. We have drinks together, sometimes at my place, other times at his. We left a trail of empty bottles, that's for damn sure. When we would drain one, we would put the empty on the floor and spin it. That way we could figure out who got to take the first belt of the next bottle." Asked about details of the exact nature of their relationship, Ms. Miers responded, "We do not have a very traditional relationship, and Laura knows about us. She and Georgie really love each other, but the fire has gone out of their marriage. They stay together for comfort, but for passion it is Georgie and I all the way. Laura also has someone she feels passion for, a drummer in a band. It is all out in the open for us, in fact the four of us go hot tubbing together. It is very above board. Georgie keeps it kinda quiet, you know, so he doesn't rattle the religious nuts." "Georgie is so sweet, you know he nominated me out of his great deep sense of loyalty. He is the most loyal man there is if he knows you are loyal to him. That is why he never leaves his friends hanging out to dry like that Clinton fellow used to do to his people." "It was a shame I did not make it to the court like Georgie wanted. I am a quick study for these kinds of things", Ms. Miers concluded. "But at least this way I can stay closer to Georgie, out of the public eye. I can't wait for us to polish off another bottle together, and get some of that monkey love!" Michael Jackson becomes scoutmaster
"The justice system has demonstrated Mr. Jackson is innocent of any wrongdoing with boys in his life", Mr. Shabaz said. Jackson addressed the issue more directly. "I truly love boys", the pop singer said, "and I enjoy showing that love. There is nothing wrong with sharing a warm fire, a tent and a sleeping bag with someone you love." "I know there are many evil people who would see my scouting activities as wrong, but they are mistaken. It is purely innocent. I love to scout boys and there is much we can enjoy together." Other sources, not wishing to be identified, have disclosed that Jackson is building a scout camp on the Neverland ranch property. "It sickens me to think about what is going to happen up there", the source said. "He can do whatever he wants and the authorities can't touch him. He is just going to get off."
With popularity for the war down, enlistment has sunk over 42% during the past six months. A meeting of the minds took place within the Bush household after the twins fought with their father about enlistment. George had apparently suggested that instead of enlisting they could simply join the national guard. Jenna ended a short interview with the press by saying "God bless America" and "I can't wait to kick some terrorist butt". The sisters will postpone their careers in teaching and helping aids victims to go off and kill some insurgents and maybe go after the big guy himself, Osama Bin Laden. There is little doubt that the American public will view the Bush sisters efforts as heroic and patriotic. Castro seeks to turn White House into amusement park "We can make the White House property a more productive as an asset for all the American people, not just the priviledged few", Castro said, through his Deputy Finance Minister Calientefuego Ybarra. "The current management thinks small, renting out the Lincoln bedroom here, selling some influence there. We can do far far better." In the lawsuit, submitted directly to the U.S. Supreme Court, lawyers specified detailed plans to turn the property into an amusement park, with themed rides, entertainment pavillions and a museum based on existing structures. The suit also contained details of how the property transfer would lead to increased revenue to the U.S. Treasury. Hillary was #1 weapon in terror war during Clinton watch "It obviously worked", said CIA analyst Wesley Trapps, "in that given the potential terror incidents that didn't happen during that administration, when compared to the ramping up of terrorism in the current administration, demonstrates that they were clearly doing something right". Details of what duties Hillary assumed, and how they were able to thwart terrorism are still unclear. What is known is that she was sent to several potential trouble sites, and that the tensions leading to crisis were released. Asked if the current First Lady was considered to play such a role, a Bush administration spokesman said, "We do not see that Laura's blend of talents and abilities can help us in such a manner as Hillary did". Shocking Saddam Hussein investigation reveals he is a Mexican
"This puts a whole new spin into our case against him.", said assistant deputy prosecutor Gary Nebbing. "We plan to go ahead with all the original charges, and are looking at possibilies to add more charges that will assure he never hangs his sombrero in another palace again." Debunking the myths of the official Saddam Hussein biography, our Mexican correspondant Flaco Cienfuegos has uncovered his true heritage. "He was born Javier Ernesto Rodriguez, on April 26th, 1937 in the Mexican state of Sinaloa." Saddam/Javier had an unremarkable childhood, for the most part. He did well in school, got along well with his peers and family. But then something happened when he was 12 that changed everything. "He had a donkey that was the family pet", reports Cienfuegos. "Some older boys lit the donkey on fire and drove it through the streets." Saddam/Javier became a withdrawn brooding boy. He would hide in his room, looking through National Geographic or staring at his globe. He was as if he were thousands of miles away. The loss of his favorite pet caused him to detach from his life as it was, and look elsewhere. That elswhere soon became ancient Babylon. Saddam/Javier devoured every scrap of information he could find on the topic, and when he exhausted local resources he turned to regional and later national libraries. He learned the ancient languages and scripts, and became fluent in modern Arabic. Eventually he bagan to speak of restoring the splendor of Babylon in the modern world. At the age of 20, he vanished from Mexico. He found a position in a cultural exchange program and found his way to Iraq, to emerge later that year as a member of the Ba'ath party. After rising to prominence in the Ba'ath party, his official account of his biography papered over his Mexican origins with a dubious story of being born fatherless in Tikrit to a family of sheep herders. Saddam/Javier retains ties in Mexico where he has many connections and much influence. His Mexican allies were responsible for Mexico revolting against the US led desire to make war on Iraq. Seperated at Birth? Or Past life?
Bush Collides with Al Qaeda while on bicycle
In
a stunning development, President Bush has collided with an Al Qaeda
member while on a bicycle ride. Mr. Bush was unhurt in the collision, and officials took the Al Qaeda
into custody for examination. He was found to have lacerations on his
wrists, electrical burns on his chest and genitals, and contusions on
his face, as well as several broken ribs. He is currently undergoing
treatment at the Gitmo Medical facility. |
Pfizer
Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form,
and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer.
Athens,
Greece - In a 5 - 2 vote, the city council in Europe's oldest democracy
voted to have the oldest surviving area of the city cleaned up and redeveloped.
The
books and television series created by Laura Ingalls Wilder will be
seen on the big.screen next year and has started production in Texas.
The
African nation of Machaca has been repossessed by Citibank for failing
to make payments on outstanding debts, according to the nation's leader.
In
her highly contested bid to win the Democratic party nomination for
president of the USA, Hillary Clinton has announced her support for
a stimulus package to be initiated as soon as she takes office.
President
George W Bush signed a bill giving relief to hundreds of thousands of
distressed mortgage holders.
Next
time the Jehovah's Witnesses show up at your door they may have the
means to get you to comply.
The
Nobel Prize comittee has awarded the year's Peace Prize to Nancy Leider.
Gusev
Crater , MARS - According to NASA officials, the Spirit rover has sent
back pictures of a stunning new discovery on Mars.
Bentonville,
AR - Wal-Mart has quietly started implanting microchips in the brains
of employees.
President
George W Bush has nominated a new Surgeon General for the United States.
In
the wake of releasing the iPhone, Apple Corporation has introduced yet
another consumer appliance, a vacuum cleaner.
The
recent arrest of Albert "Trey" Gore III for driving his Prius
at 100 MPH while trafficing drugs has a new twist.
The
Fox network has announced that it will air a new "reality"
program that involves contestants competing for an organ transplant
to save their lives.
The
US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist
after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner
aboard the US aircraft carrier Enterprise in the Arabian Sea.
Yuma,
AZ - Thousands of American senior citizens have been moving to Mexico,
only to sneak back illegally in a scheme to collect benefits.
Boston,
MA- Several American cities were brought to a standstill by suspected
terror weapons which proved to be a hoax.
Jalisco,
Mexico- A Mexican company has developed a new fuel source derived from
organic material of nearly any kind, whichcould decrease reliance on
petroleum.
Washington,
DC - President George Bush voiced support for faith based organizations
recently as he toured a religious compound in rural Idaho.
La
Jolla, CA - Barbra Streisand was recently ejected from a movie theater
for sneaking food hidden in her blouse into the establishment .
Black
Rock City, NV - Despite a half decade of being sought for the 9/11 hijack
bombings, Osama Bin Laden is still at large. Recent sightings of Bin
Laden in this Nevada festival indicate he is much closer than anyone
thought.
Irving,
TX - In a suprise move Exxon Mobile announced it is outsourcing the
position of company CEO.
Peoria,
IL - After Secretary of Transportation Norman Y. Mineta jumped ship
from the agency he was replaced by his deputy, Maria Cino.
Houston,
TX - NASA scientists have announced that Pluto is no longer welcome
as a planet in the solar system, and that plans are underway to eject
the celestial body.
Washington,
DC - Following on the heels of an aborted terror incident, Homeland
Security Department head Michael Chertoff has announced tighter security
measures for American citizens on domestic flights.
Former
U.S. Vice President Al Gore has been touring the world and making presentations
of an impending global pole shift.
The
flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has
intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to
stop the illegal immigration. The actions of President Bush are prompting
the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required
to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Following
on the unexpected success of last years film, Brokeback Mountain,
director Ang Lee is working with a new cast to make a sequel to the
film.
San Diego, CA - A San Diego Padre baseball player has been infected
with a rare skin condition, but will continue to play for the team.
Several
hundred people have been rioting across the U.S. as news of a Bush cartoon
traveled across the land.
President
George Bush ceded California over to Mexico today in a meeting with
Mexican President Vicente Fox.
NEW
ORLEANS - Is it an early attempt to get attention for a presidential
campaign? Perhaps it is a mid life sowing of wild oats. Whatever the
reason, Senator Hillary Clinton was seen at the New Orleans Mardi Gras
festival in a mood for celebration.
Recently,
after getting tired of Bush's and Rice's public statements regarding
uncertainty Osama was still alive, the White House received a secret,
hand written letter from Osama himself. An unnamed spokesman confirmed
this.
Osama
bin Laden has announced the start of his Book of the Month Club.
An
emergency procedure was planned for this week to use George Bush's brain
to jumpstart the brain of Israeli leader Ariel Sharon.
Secret
Location - Co-president Dick Cheney suffered his 117th heart attack
recently at an undisclosed time.
Edmonds,
Washington - A brothel has opened in this northwestern U.S. city featuring
men who service women, and it is perfectly legal.
Washington
D.C. - Presidential advisor Karl Rove has been relocated to a new office,
in a building far from his former White House office.
Washington
(IPI) In a surprise press conference, former Supreme Court nominee Harriet
Miers spoke up about details of her relationship with President George
W. Bush. With an amazing degree of candor, Ms. Miers explained some
of the motivations for the President to nominate her to the high court.
Neverland-(UP)
A spokesperson for pop singer Michael Jackson anounced that
he has become a Boy Scout troop leader in his community near his Neverland
ranch. Tyrone Al Shabaz made this announcement several months after
Mr. Jackson was acquitted on a case of molesting an underage youth.
Crawford
Texas-(UP) In an apparent move to shore up support for his war
in Iraq, George Bush's twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna, have enlisted
in the army. 
In
the wake of a U.S. Supreme Court ruling that promoting private enterprise
that promises sales-tax windfalls for municipal coffers is a "public
use" protected by the U.S. Constitution, Cuban leader Fidel Castro has
filed suit to purchase the White House and turn the property into an
amusement park. 
Recently
declassified documents have shown that the Clinton administration was
able to keep terrorism at bay by an ingenious deployment of First Lady
Hillary to potential troublemakers around the globe.
A
recent investigation geared at building evidence for a trial against
Saddam Hussein has revealed that he is, in fact, a Mexican.
